When You Move Into An Old House – A True Horror Story
When you move in to a 90 year old house, you’ll love the character and the quirks.
And when you love the quirks, you’ll start to notice that some quirks need to be upgraded.
So you’ll pick something that needs the most attention; and that thing will be the laundry room floor that seems to be growing beneath the carpet.
And you’ll pull up the carpet.
When you pull up the carpet, you’ll see that some tiles underneath need to be replaced.
So you’ll pull up those tiles (because you found a matching box that was left in the garage by the previous owner).
And then you’ll learn that there’s press board under the tile.
When you see the press board, you’ll see that it is water damaged.
And when you peel off more of the tile to see how far the water damage extends, the press board will crumble in your fingers.
So you’ll decide to pull up the press board and replace it (because what sort of idiot puts crumbling wood product in a wet room?)
And because you’re pulling up ALL the tile now, you’ll have to also move the washer and dryer out of the room.
When you move the washer and dryer, and pull up the crumbling press board, there will be a giant dragon’s den of a hole, ready to swallow you up, right below the spot for the washer and dryer.
And when you discover the dragon’s lair you’ll wonder exactly how long you had left before you came home and the washer and dryer had been sucked into another dimension.
And again you’ll exclaim to yourself, “Who the fuck puts press board with NO subfloor and NO framing under the heaviest appliance in the house?!”
When you’re just a breath past “fuck” your My Mechanic will whisper, “We bought a money pit. I’m Tom Hanks.”
When you’re just about to ask if he’s going to make you sell the house a real life, fire-breathing dragon reaches out of the hole and snatches My Mechanic down into the belly of its cave, never to be seen again.
When My Mechanic is gobbled up you quickly find a handyman to fix the hole, put PLYWOOD on the floor, and install pretty, new, laminate flooring.
(Just kidding. My Mechanic fixed it all up)
Never to see the dragon again.